How to write Employee Recommendation Letters

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

How boys woe girls in Orkut

1. hi nice pictures ...u in tat saree.try wearin a white or Red saree u will look amazing..bye ...tc..do reply me

2. Hi. U look really awesome in the Photo and inside in the album in Saree. u look lik a tradional angel. i hav crossed ur profile once bfore, found intersting woman. can i b a part of ur friendship circle yar

3. hi!!!!!!!!!this is mani 4rm chennai!!!!!!
int in bein ma friend then jus giv me a scrap dood!!!
well ab me!!!!I can sya that..........its upto ya !!!!B ma freind and know abt me dood!!!!!

4. hello girlie!!!!!how r things wid u???am an engg guy who's IGNORING BOOKS and trying 2 orkut wid u...how abt uuuuuu???

5. Hi,how r u......ur so cute!!!!more if ur in my friends list!!!!will u!!!

6. U looking Mallika Sheravathi looking Imran aasmiCome let us murder the world

7. hey annikku Ravi yoda b'day party la Krishna voda vandha Janani yoda school friend Ramya voda boy friend Sriram voda girl friend Anitha voda class mate Vanitha dhaaney nee???Hi..

8.Hi!if u retain this scrap I will understand that you are interested in meandif u delete this scrap, it means you are dreaming about me.Now u decide wat to do

9. hi,the numerical value of L+O+V+E=54 but the numerical value of F+R+I+E+N+S+H+I+P= 10854+54= 108 LOVE+LOVE= FRIENDSHIP so friendship is two times greater than love.............so will u be my friend ?

10.heyyy gal,Barcelona hav won the champions league finals!hurraaaayyyy!!!! come on lets be friends....

11 .generally i never scrap to unknown ones but this pic just caught my eye...awesome pic gal.kalakita po.. lol

12. hi niki.. well can i expect a scrap back from ya..well thought u are a person who can read and write... is it true.,... ?

13.If u add me in ur list ill make ur life more pleasant and colorful...watsay?scrap me bak if u wannna be ma friend!

14.Scrap- Eyy black beauty,how are you so fair???If you don't add me its very unfair...

15.Nice face, sexy smile, beautiful Eyes, Lustful Lips....Overall stunning effect...But Miss Do i know you??? Dont embarass me by saying-u dont know me..ya i know u dont know me.. but who bothers??come on-add me as friend..am waiting 2 b ur fan...

Kids Jokes

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A three-year old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "how did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.

A father was helping one of his little twins say his evening prayers. "Bless us to be good so we can return unto Thee." "Bless us to be good so we can turn on the TV."

Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

Fun:20 Tips for Women (To understand Men)

1. Never do housework. No man ever loved a woman because the house was spotless.

2. Remember: you are known by the idiot you accompany.

3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

5. So many men - so many reasons not to date any of them.

6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.

7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

9. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

10. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

11. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

12. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

13. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

14. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

15. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

16. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

17. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

18. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

19. Sadly, all men are created equal.

20. When he asks you if he's your first date, tell him "You may be, you look familiar. "

My son is mischiveous

MAN 2 ANOTHER MAN:"BOYS R GETTING VERY MISCHIEVOUS DESE DAYS"
OTHER 1:"HMM......U R RITE"
FIRST MAN:"DO U'VE A SON??"
ANOTHER MAN:"YES"
FIRST:HE SURELY DO SUMTHING MISCHIEVOUS???
ANOTHER:"NOO!!"
FIRST:"HE SURELY DO SMOKING??"
ANOTHER:"NO"
FIRST:"HE SURELY CRACK DA WINDOWS OF NEIGHBOURS BY THROWING BALSS??"
ANOTHER:"NO"
FIRST:"WAT A GUD BOY IS UR SON!!!"
ANOTHER:"YEAH...HE SURE IS"
FIRST:"BTW WAT IS THE AGE OF UR SON?"
ANOTHER:"HE IS JUST OF 2 MONTHS!!"

Big John doesn't pay

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Moral of the story:
"Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one."

Kid's Joke

To return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example
First, " My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One
Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket
On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump
In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the
Eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all
Your eggs in one basket.."

" Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, " We are farmers too. We had twenty
Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got
Ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count
Your chickens before they're hatched .."

" Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with
The response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: " My dad
Told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen
Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got
Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all
She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
Machete."

" Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

" Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to
Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle
Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of
Them with the machine gun until she ran out of
Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete
Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten
With her bare hands."

" Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What did
Your father say was the moral of that frightening
Story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drunk"

Ten Tips to Stay Young Forever

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts,
gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the
devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person
who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are
alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family,
pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your
refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is
unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the
next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every
opportunity.

11. Keep thanking God every moment that he made for us to enjoy (Special thanks to Tanushree!)

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away.

You gotta love Kids!

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster
the boss asked," Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked," Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again
the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there
besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be
doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the
policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child." Busy doing
what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman",
came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"

A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on
there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me"

Stay away from Aunty

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents
For a family story with a moral at the end of it, and
To return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example
First, " My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One
Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket
On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump
In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the
Eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all
Your eggs in one basket.."

" Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, " We are farmers too. We had twenty
Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got
Ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count
Your chickens before they're hatched .."

" Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with
The response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: " My dad
Told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen
Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got
Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all
She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
Machete."

" Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

" Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to
Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle
Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of
Them with the machine gun until she ran out of
Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete
Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten
With her bare hands."

" Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What did
Your father say was the moral of that frightening
Story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drunk"

Top 10 Signs that your Co-worker is a Computer Hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

Watermelon Story

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty
well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into
his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some
careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought
would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the
kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One
of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to
the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field.

He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to
his read: "Now there are two!"

Men are from Mars:A tale of two diaries

HER DIARY

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him, but he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love
you too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I fell asleep. I do
not know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

***

***

***

HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match again. DAMN IT.

Fun:Sardar's Watch

A smart looking Sardarji was seen alightening from an Air India flight from US.

He was carrying two heavy stuffed suitcases and had a hard time walking
because of their weight. A Bihari, on look out for "foreign goods" , stalked the Sardarji and started a chat with him.

Bihari: " Sardarji, where are you coming from?"

Sardarji: "California"

Bihari: "Its so hot here , California must be nice ?"

Sardarji, put his suitcases down, pressed a few buttons on his watch and a cute looking girl appeared on the dial and told our Sardarji the temperature, wind velocity and humidity in California at that very moment.

"This is an internet accessing watch" explained the Sardarji "It has the very latest 5.6 Gigahertz processor and 4 GB RAM. What more , you can access the net from anywhere in the world ."

Thrilled the Bihari offered to buy the watch and a bargain was struck. Sardarji pocketed the money, handed over the watch to him and walked away.

"Sardarji " cried the Bihari "You have forgotten your two suitcases "

"I wont need them" replied the Sardarji "You can keep them now, they have the two modems you need to use with the watch !!!!"

Santa in Office

Santa singh goes into work one morning crying his eyes out.

His boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?"

To which Santa replies:
"Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to him the following.
"Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

Santa very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows Santa to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Santa. He looks out over Santa's office and sees him hysterically crying!! He rushes out to Santa, asking,

"What's the problem........anything wrong again??"

"No......" exclaims our beloved Santa. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

Fun: Santa singh's Popularity

Santa was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff,
"OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom
and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock
on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise,
shouts, "Santa! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Santa's boss is still
skeptical.After they leave Cruise's house, he tells
Santa that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Santa says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes, I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, George W.
spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying, "Santa, what a surprise, I was just on my
way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in
and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still
not totally convinced. After they leave the White
house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Santa, who
again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Santa. "My folks are from Poland,
and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Santa and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Santa says, "This will never work. I can't catch the
Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I
know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And Santa disappears into the crowd headed toward
the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Santa
emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time
Santa returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Santa asks, "What
happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine
until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the
man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with
Santa Singh?"

All Sardarji Jokes

After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son
were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was
occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the
top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the
stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a
cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son
returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand hindi
had occupied his son's birth . Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and
asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand
Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole
situation to him in English. Santa Singh explained , " That man
sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

Marriage
ONE FINE DAY A GIRL PROPOSED TO A SARDAR AND SARDAR DENIED
SIMPLY SAYING THAT IN OUR FAMILY,
WE MARRY ONLY OUR RELATIVES..
MY MOM MARRIED MY DAD,
MY BROTHER MARRIED MY BHABHI ,
MY UNCLE MARRIED MY AUNT AND SO ON.
SO PLEASE EXCUSE ME !!!!!
Three Engines

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Mankuwa City to Sukhpur city, the
captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has
failed.. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour

longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty
minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and
the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we

can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain
announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed
another three hours.But don't worry ... we still have one engine
left." A sardarji passenger turned to the man in the next seat and
remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
Chinese
Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills the birth certificate. "Mother:
Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese." "How come you write "Chinese" when
both parents are Sikh?" "
Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it said every 4th person born on the
Earth now is a Chinese."

House on Fire
Once a building caught fire and two guys and a sardar were trapped in
the balcony. On the ground, fire fighters caught hold of a net and
asked them to jump.
The first one jumped but the fire fighters removed the net and he was
killed. Then the other guy was asked to jump and again they removed
the net too soon and he was dead. Seeing all this, the sardar was furious and said: "You keep
the net on the ground and get away from it. I don't trust you.

Window
A sardar, a japanese, and a britisher were lost in the desert. They
were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had

nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they
continued their journey.

The japanese took the radiator, the britisher took the seat, and the
sardar took the door. After a while of walking the britisher asked the

japanese "I'm confused,why did you bring the radiator?" The japanese responded, "If I get thirsty,I can drink the fluid." Next the sardar asked the britisher "Why did you bring the seat?" So the britisher said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat." Finally the japanese asked

the sardar why he had chosen the door. The sardar quickly responded to
this question, "Well,when I shall feel the need to get some breeze in
this summer all have to do is roll down the window."

An Accountant Joke

Santa wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Santa : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Santa : SEVEN!

Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Santa : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Santa : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Santa : I've already got one rabbit at home.

Sardar Bhai MBBS

Needless to say he never made it - Our beloved Sardarji!

Because these are the answers he gave for medical terms.

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - the study of fine paintings

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria

Benign - what you be after you be eight

Bowel - letters like a,e,i,o,u

Caesarian Section - a district in Rome

Cardiology - advanced study of Poker playing

Cat Scan - searching for lost kitty

Chronic - neck of a crow

Coma - punctuation mark

Cortisone - area around local court

Cyst - short for sister

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana

Dislocation - in this place

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans

Enema - not a friend

False Labor - pretending to work

Genes - blue denim

Groin - to mash to a pulp / smile

Hernia - she is close by

Hymen - greeting to several males

Impotent - distinguished / well-known

Labor Pain - hurt at work

Lactose - people without feet

Lymph - walk unsteadily

Menopause - I no wait

Microbes - small dressing gowns

Obesity - City of Obe

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel Peace Prize

Protein - in favor of teens

Pulse - grain

Pus - small cat

Red Blood Count - Dracula

Rupture - Ecstasy

Secretion - hiding anything

Subcutaneous - not cute enough

Suture - Gujrati for "what do you want"

Tablet - small table

Tumor - extra pair

Ultrasound - radical noise

Urine - opposite of you're out

Varicose - very close

Vas Deferens - extremely different

Vein - at what time?

Vitreous Humor - both witty & funny

Santa and Englishman

Once a Hindu, a Muslim and our dear Santa were standing together. An englishman came up and asked, hey guys, what is your favourte flowers?

The Hindu replied, 'Lotus'
'Ha, I clean my shit with that!' the Englishman jeered

The Hindu got angry, the lotus being our national flower

The Muslim replied:'Chameli
'Ha I clean my shit with that!' The Englishman response

The Muslim also got angry but kept quite

The Englishman asked Santa, 'Sardarji, and what is your favourite flower?'
Patriotic Santa replied: 'Cactus! and replied Now clean your ass with that!

When Elvis met Saddam (PIC)

After the Rain

Whatever your cross,
whatever your pain,
there will always be sunshine,
after the rain ....

Perhaps you may stumble,
perhaps even fall,
But God's always ready,
To answer your call ...

He knows every heartache,
sees every tear,
A word from His lips,
can calm every fear ...

Your sorrows may linger,
throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish,
in dawn's early light ...

The Savior is waiting,
somewhere above,
To give you His grace,
and send you His love...

Whatever your cross,
whatever your pain,
"God always sends rainbows ....
after the rain ... "

YOU ARE .......

You are strong...
when you take your grief and teach it to smile.

You are brave...
when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.

You are happy...
when you see a flower and are thankful for the blessing.

You are loving...
when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.

You are wise...
when you know the limits of your wisdom.

You are true...
when you admit there are times you fool yourself.

You are alive...
when tomorrow's hope means more to you than yesterday's mistake.

You are growing...
when you know what you are but not what you will become.

You are free...
when you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others.

You are honorable...
when you find your honor is to honor others.

You are generous...
when you can take as sweetly as you can give.

You are humble...
when you do not know how humble you are.

You are thoughtful.. .
when you see me just as I am and treat me just as you are.

You are merciful...
when you forgive in others the faults you condemn in yourself.

You are beautiful...
when you don't need a mirror to tell you.

You are rich...
when you never need more than what you have.

You are you...
when you are at peace with who you are not.

Meaning of Friendship

Do you know the relationship between two eyes..? They blink together,

They move together, they cry together, they see things together and

They sleep together BUT THEY NEVER SEE EACH OTHER.. that's what's friendship

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But when a beautiful girl comes in front, one eye goes blink and the other remains open...

Moral of the story : Girls can break even the best of friendships.

The Story of a Boat and Wife

They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good boat story!!

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towner's who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'

The old woman fainted

Bad, Bad Email

One day God was looking down at Earth & saw all of the misbehaving that was going on. So He called one of His Angels to go to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God ... "Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to go and said "Yes, its true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?

No???????

Okay, just checkin' .. I didn't get one either.

Court Room Dramas

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters whohad to bear the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent in particular the last one which may generically describe a lawyer

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.