Little Johny Joke

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:

"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."

"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."

"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

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List of Top 10 Corrupt Nations

#1 Haiti
The police continue to be a central factor in corruption in Haiti, though there is corruption in virtually every governmental body. Since the police are also the officials closest to every individual on a daily basis, it is their corruption that changes the nature of daily life in Haiti, permeating all society and the way business is done.

#2 Myanmar
Corruption is perceived as widespread in this vicious dictatorship run with an iron hand by a strong-willed clique of military leaders, who persist in repression of civil society at every level. Illicit facilitation payments and informal fees are required to access even the most basic government services.

#3 Iraq
Huge quantities of funds-- especially American military and reconstruction aid funds--swirling through this nation, where many civil structures have largely broken down, is a recipe for corruption at all levels. Beyond kidnappings and ransom payments, TI officials say their survey was conducted in the first half of 2006 when funds being handled by the Coalition Provisional Authority were largely exhausted and no longer being disbursed. So the Iraqi government, where corruption is said to be rampant, was in charge of its own funds. International businessmen from a range of countries converging on Baghdad found finance, export credits, contracts and a host of more mundane functions of government all subject to illicit payments.

#4 Guinea (Conakry)
Guinea has been in a political crisis state for at least three years. Though the current, corrupt president has been in power for 20 years, strong pressure has been building from the public for a change of regime. A public strike that lasted one month finally ended a month ago. There was outright civil strife, obliging the president to appoint a new prime minister. The most controversial, and corrupt, deals surround the mining sector, particularly aluminum. Among foreign businessmen, the general view, according to the TI survey, was that to do business in Guinea you needed "to pay off the guy at the top."

#5 Sudan
The key event was the switch from a Canadian company that dominated oil drilling in Sudan, the No. 3 oil producer in Africa, to a Chinese company that took over the contract after the Canadians found corruption and an outrageous human rights record was too rife to be able to continue functioning. China is now responsible for 90% of all oil production in Sudan, which also controls oil flow down a large pipeline through southern Sudan to the sea. Chinese officials have declined any comment on the human rights situation, and TI officials say they are "not too worried about having to pay off the Khartoum government."

#6 Democratic Republic Congo/Kinshasa
Copper in Katanga, and in the rest of the country, gold, uranium and especially coltan, a rare mineral that's in every cell phone chip, still drive the corruption that remains rampant in this African nation. A presidential election did little to stop the corruption or the resulting violence that erupted again last month in downtown Kinshasha, the nation's capital. The president is the principal recipient of routine payments by the mining companies who apparently are prepared to play the very lucrative payoff game that remains as endemic now as it was back during the regime of one of Africa's historically most corrupt leaders, Mobutu Sese-Seko.

#7 Chad
Chad has dropped from No. 1 to No. 7 this year as international aid agencies, particularly the World Bank, have sought to come to grips with one of the world's most piggish uses of philanthropic funds. Proceeds of a Chad- Cameroon oil pipeline, funded in part by the World Bank and operated by an Exxon Mobil-led consortium, were supposed to have been used to help feed the desperately poor people of both nations. Instead, at least $30 million was diverted to buy arms to keep the government of President Idriss Deby in power. The World Bank, whose president, Paul Wolfowitz, was deeply embarrassed by the fiasco, halted funding more than a year ago, but reached an accord with Chad last July. According to TI officials, the jury's still out on how effectively it will be implemented.

#8 Bangladesh
There continues to be a general lack of engagement between the government and civil society as repression, corruption throughout government ranks and especially in the judiciary and political circles persists, often spilling over into the private sector. In March, the new military-backed government jailed at least 40 prominent business and
government leaders from two of the leading political parties in what was described as an ongoing probe of corruption, but TI officials are little impressed. Still, after five straight years at the top of the list, Bangladesh has signed the United Nations convention against corruption and has now dropped to No. 8.

#9 Uzbekistan
The most corrupt of the five former Soviet Republics on our list, Uzbekistan is sinking ever deeper into corruption and unrest--in constant turmoil and strife under what the U.S. State Department describes as the authoritarian rule of President Islam Karimov, a communist apparatchik holdover of the old regime, which, while violently suppressing opposition, encourages corruption that permeates society, including the executive branch. Bribery will win you everything from admission to leading educational institutions to a favorable outcome of traffic cases and civil lawsuits.

#10 Equatorial Guinea
One of the world's smallest oil powers, it is also among the most corrupt. Still, possibly under pressure from the major oil companies that operate there, particularly Exxon Mobil, things have improved a trifle, though the corrupt President Teodoro Obiang Nguema remains in power. Now, though, it's becoming possible to operate a business on a reasonable basis, provided one accepts that 30% of all funds, including oil profits go straight into the pocket of Nguema. Still, the system of corruption now is more rational and orderly than the previous system that amounted to near-total anarchy.

Have you got family problems?

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.

We call this arranged marriage.I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, " Talking about love marriages?... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.

"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems.. ? !

6 Tricks Guys Can Win Relationship Fights

Regardless of the type of man you are ” strong with bold opinions, moderate with no taste for confrontation or passive with a gelatinous backbone ” guess what? Unless you're made of wood, you are going to be dating, you are going to get into arguments, and the expectation (at least from the female perspective) is that you are going to lose those arguments.

Any type of man could, at any time, find himself in any kind of an argument. The trick to saving face in a fight is to always be prepared. You wouldn't go out for a night on the town without some cash and a pressed shirt, would you? So why would you head into a relationship battle without your best artillery?

There are rules to follow.

Nobody wants to be that guy in the corner getting a lecture from his best gal, especially when he could have come out unscathed.

Logic is frequently abandoned when you're arguing with your girlfriend for one reason: She will not admit she is wrong. Ever. Not going to happen ” so put it out of your head.

No matter how compelling you may be or how wrong she might be, fair is not the name of the game. The trick is this: proving to yourself that you're right, while making her believe she's right as well.

Different men have different expectations about winning arguments, but the art of war is the same. Here are a number of tricks to ensure that you'll never lose an argument with your girlfriend.

Don't Raise Your Voice

Regardless of the nature of your fight, watch your voice. No matter what you have planned in your defense, always speak softly. If you're the composed one, her anger will only run its course. Settle in for a long one, but remember: If she joins you on a conversational level, you've won.

Be the First Man to Listen

Men have a reputation for being poor listeners. Be the exception. She wants to talk and yell, so let her. But when it comes time for you to cough up a defense, reiterate her points back to her to prove you're listening to ” and understand ” what she's saying.

If you spend your cross-examination explaining her to her by recapping her words, you may never actually have to ever have an original thought. And she'll think you're the keenest listener on the block.

Stay on the Subject at Hand

Whether the battle royale is about music, dinner reservations, Depp flicks or the State of the Union, pick your battle and fight strong. Arguments are won or lost on the ability to prevent other gripes from creeping into the contest at hand. When the mood is confrontational, bring up nothing but that which you have been called out on.

Admit Wrong and You Win

Sometimes winning an argument is more about the aftermath than the battle. She can never, ever win a fight if you admit you are wrong first. Check your pride at the door. There will be tiffs in which you won't care if you're the victor.

In these instances, no matter how much she wants to spar, lay down dead. Sometimes a nice glass jaw in the ring will score you big sensitivity points with the judges. The scorecards will come in, and the winner, by unanimous decision, will be you.

Play the Emotional Card

There are times when women just want to fight because they're feeling emotional. What we forget is that men also want to fight because we are emotional. It is about the release; and what so ingrained to avoid, which has the same consummate effect, is letting the emotions flow.

Fight strong, and fight with honor. But do not be afraid to act hurt by the things she says. To a woman, an aggressive man who shows emotion in the heat of an argument is the king of men. And you'll always win.

Tell Her Off

Many men have stood with their hand on the little button, ready to end life as we know it. It is where the men and the boys are separated. If winning the argument is worth destroying the relationship, or if destroying the relationship is worth winning back your life, then fire personal insults at will. But be warned: There is no going back after you input this launch code. Remember that civilization as you know it can be a tough thing to rebuild.

For Argument's Sake¦

Take all arguments with your lady with massive grains of salt and remember: You can always win by letting her believe what she needs to believe. That should be clear about four seconds in.

Where we stumble is when we need to prove to ourselves that we can win no matter the contest. Don't forget that it is in our nature to protect what we believe.

Story: Pause and ponder

A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint.

The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into a pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands.

When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, "Daddy, I'm sorry about your truck ." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back? "

The father went home and committed suicide.

Think about the story the next time you see someone spill milk at a dinner table or hear a baby crying. Think first before you lose your patience with someone u love.

Trucks can be repaired. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

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Pause and ponder. Think before you act. Be patient. Understand and love .

India's Most Expensive

These are some of India s Most Expensive Possessions;

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1. Petrus Wine â€" Bottle cost mere Rs. 92000/-. It is served @ The Taj Mahal, Mumbai

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2. Mortlac Whisky, 1936 â€" A peg costs Rs. 24000/- & the bottle Rs. 6, 00,000/-. It is served @ The Grand, Delhi

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3. Wasabi, Traditional Japanese Restaurant @ Taj Mahal, Mumbai's most expensive restaurant & the dinner with serving of SUSHI & SASHI will cost Rs. 12000/-

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4. Hotel Rooms- Kohinoor Suite, The Oberoi's, Amarvil as. One Night costs only about Rs. 1.27 Lacs. Presidential Suite, The Taj Mahal, Delhi. One Night costs only about Rs. 2.50 Lacs.

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5. Maybach, 21 feet long car, costs a mere 6.0 Crores

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6. Mont Blanc Pen â€" The range of these pens is from a mere Rs. 11,000 to Rs. 1.0 Lac

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7. Napoleon Bonaparte, range of watches starts from a around Rs. 12,000 & runs into Crores

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8. Most expensive house in India is situated very much in our own Mumbai. It is in Maker Towers, Cuffe Parade and costs a Bomb of 18.0 Crores.

Santa Jokes

Titanic was sinking.

An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.

Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?

Santa: Downwards !

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Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators.

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How did Santa tried to kill a bird??

He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.

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Santa: I have swallowed a Kay.

Doctor: When?

Santa: 3 months back!

Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.

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Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I've seen ur password. It's ****. Santa: U r wrong. It's 1394.

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Santa falls in love with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister ."

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Santa asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening?

Banta: Very simple, because he is PM not AM.

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Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?

Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl .

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A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.

Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.

Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

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Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!

Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .

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An Englishman and Santa inside the toilet.

Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?

Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!

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Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?

Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..

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Ultimate answer while changing the job.

Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?

Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.

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Santa and Banta went for a drive.

Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?

Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!"

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Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...

Finally, Santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.

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Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?

Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.

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Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home . The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.

After sometime he calls again: I am coming , earlier I sat on the back seat.

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An Irish Blonde Joke

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on
a single roll of the dice, at the casino.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

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